Money Out of Thin Air or Tale About $100 and The Door (translation from Russian)

Публикуется по просьбам трудящихся – скорее всего временно: this is not written by zed244 –  it is a translation of the  text in Russian at http://www.avanturist.org/blog/post/28 . More of the same author here http://tinyurl.com/43b9pmy (in Russian) – highly recommended.

For those who want a touch of  reality – as of 21 of September 2011  – it is  here

Quote”..To support a stronger economic recovery and to help ensure that inflation, over time, is at levels consistent with the dual mandate, the Committee decided today to extend the average maturity of its holdings of securities. The Committee intends to purchase, by the end of June 2012, $400 billion of Treasury securities with remaining maturities of 6 years to 30 years and to sell an equal amount of Treasury securities with remaining maturities of 3 years or less..”

Money Out of  Thin Air or Tale About $100 and The Door

Let say we – I, You and Chronoscopist – were on a plane across the Pacific Ocean. While on board, we consumed substantial amount of absinthe, kicked up a row and in the process tore off a door to the toilet. For our noble deeds we were promptly thrown out of the plane via emergency exit. Luckily, next to where we plunged into the water, was a small nameless Polynesian island. After we climbed on its soil, we held a short council and decided to name the island The United States of Absinthe (USA).

Naturally, when we were thrown out of the plane, they forgot to return us our luggage. As the result, all our tangible and intangible assets consisted of the toilet door, which You forgot to leave on the plane and a single $100 note which You discovered in your wallet. Thus all non-financial assets of our USA consist of one toilet door, and all financial, aka “money supply”, of a single $100 note. This is all our country has. Since we have nothing else, it can also be said that our material assets – the toilet door, supports (secures) the money supply of $100. Or, in other words, our door costs $100.

Still under the influence of absinth, we decide that we need to start getting the things organised. The Chronoscopist, proved to be the shrewdest – he announces that he opened a bank and is ready to accept deposits from the island’s population and promises to pay 3% interest annually. You give him your $100 and he writes it under “Liabilities” -> “Deposit Accounts” in his book.

But I am too not just out of the woods – indeed, after so many years I spent investigating economic swindles, I now know how to expropriate your door and your $100. I offer You 5% interest on your $100. I tear off a sheet of paper from my notebook and write “Bond Certificate of USA. Issued for the amount $100 at 5% interest, paid annually”. You feel that You have drawn a full hand. You withdraw your money from the deposit account You have with the disappointed Chronoscopist and give it to me in exchange for my Bond. I take your $100 and immediately deposit it into my account with now smiling Chronoscopist.

Ideally, we could have stopped right here and then, and start doing something real, say, shake the palm tree or try to collect shell fish – to eat our bread in the sweat of our faces, so-to-speak. But you all know that I am indefatigable financial genius, and I am not interested in the petty things such as coconuts and oysters. After a refreshing tour of our island – 50 steps from South to North and 30 from West to East, I invent an ingenuous combination. I approach You and offer You to earn an additional 1% annually. You should take a loan in Chronoscopist’s  bank at 4% and use it to buy from me another USA Bond at 5% interest. This second Bond Certificate for $100 I have just written, and now I wave it in front of your nose. Immediately You rush to the bank and borrow $100 there, using my first Bond as a security. The Bank has the money – I put it there on my deposit account. You give me the $100 You have borrowed and put the second USA Security Bond into your wallet. Now You have $200 worth of USA Bonds. I put $100 in the Bank – now I have $200 on my deposit account. Chronoscopist jumps from joy – his credit business is growing up!

Do you really think I am going to stop there? Hold your horses – I have already written a third USA Bond for You. You rush to the Bank to borrow another $100, secured this time with my second Bond. Closer to the night, got tired of running around the island with this single $100 note and having used all pages in my diary to write USA Bonds, we have the following results: You have $5,000 worth of USA Bonds, while I have $5,000 deposited on my account.

Now I feel that this is the right time to expropriate your toilet door. I offer to buy it from You for $100. But You do not want to sell the only toilet door on the island for $100 and ask $1,000. Well, I agree  – after all I have $5,000 on my deposit account. I use the last page left in my diary to write a Payment Order to Chronoscopist to transfer $1,000 from my account to yours – and take your door.

If this accounting is given to an American economist, he or she will inform you that our USA had $1,000 in assets in the form of toilet door and $10,000 financial assets in bank deposits and USA Bonds. Which means that our combined wealth increased 110 fold in one day. Well, a less refined and educated observer, might say that we are the three idiots, because by the end of the day we still have nothing but the same one toilet door and $100, and that only complete imbeciles could have spent the whole day tearing sheets out of their diaries to write nonsense, instead of collecting coconuts or shell fish. Who of the two is correct –you, the Reader, should decide yourself.

2008

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Diary of An American Boy

Now – as promised – Diary of American Boy, in (my non-native) English. But first, I will have to explain why I bothered with “translating” the original from Russian.

I know how the West sees the Russians – I have been reading enough of western (American) fiction and newspapers and I have been watching (American) movies for quite some time already. A mirror. Not a straight one, but whatever is available. Whatever they use themselves, though it distorts the Russians and Americans very differently.

I read Russian press and watched Russian movies too and I didn’t see a trace of symmetrical reaction there. Are Americans not without flaws? Do they not deserve to see themselves in a similar kind of mirror? Perhaps, if they had one– it would help them to understand a bit more about the world we all live in and, especially, how they actually look in the eyes of that world?

And then one day I was looking up the web for a word I did not know – “pendosy” – and found this marvel – “Невниг Пендоского Потцана”. It felt to me more like a not very good or not completed attempt of an adult to imitate a style of a Russian teenager ,but some observations were strikingly similar to what I myself had noticed about the Americans .

So I decided to translate the text– if not for the benefit of the Americans, then just for fun – to see how I manage. I also decided that I want to edit the original slightly – not to match the style of an American teenager, because I would not be able to do it very well – but because the text just begged for obvious insertions and/or sometimes – corrections. So I did it. Here it is, not as good as I hoped it would be, but at least something to read for the monolingual mates – sorry, pals. The original in Russian is at the end, so the non-monolinguals can compare the two versions. Enjoy!

As a reality check – here is a piece of interview with Brzezinsky and Scowcroft

Brzezinski: ..[..]..

Quite a few Americans entering college could not locate Great Britain on the map. They couldn’t locate Iraq on the map after five years of war. Thirty percent couldn’t identify the Pacific Ocean. We don’t teach global history; we don’t teach global geography. I think most Americans don’t have the kind of sophistication that an America that inspires, and thereby leads, will have to have if it is to do what this 21st century really will demand of us. Scowcroft:I could easily just say amen. But again, this is a part of who we are and from where we have arisen…Americans don’t have to learn foreign languages. […].Brzezinski:They want to enjoy the good life.Scowcroft:They want to enjoy the good life. And our political structure seems more and more to cater to the narrow interests of Americans rather than their broader interests.[..]Brzezinski: Amen.

Scowcroft: We’re the only ones who can be the guiding light.

The Brzezinski-Scowcroft conversation has been gathered into a book, “America and the World: Conversations on the Future of American Foreign Policy,” published by Basic Books and the New America Foundation ,  http://www.america-russia.net/eng/geopolitics/193208145

Diary of American Boy04/03/2007My name is Michael Dawn. I live in the US. My country is in the center of rotation of the Earth and the Sun. Recently I did a research project about this and I got high distinction.Today I woke up early and immediately measured my weight. Hurray! I lost another 0.4 lbs! And now my weight is only 320 lbs . Only one month ago it was 322 lbs! Back then my Dad said that if I didn’t loose weight, I wouldn’t be able to date girls. As a matter of fact, I prefer boys, because dating girls is not cool.Then I had my breakfast. It was a diet – corn flakes with reduced-fat milk and two toasts with jam. For a dessert I had four double hamburgers. The breakfast was fun. We had a who-farts-louder competition with my Dad. I won. Now Dad owes me $5. If he doesn’t pay up by the evening – I sue the shit out of him.My school is way too far – almost half a mile. I’m lucky that I have a car. Today’s traffic was OK, so it took me only one hour to get to the school. Lessons were boring, as usual. For example, on American history lesson the teacher was telling us a bullshit – that America was discovered by Columbus. How could such a dork get teacher’s certificate?! Elementary logic tells you that America was discovered by us, Americans. That is why it is called America.

But Geography lesson was cool. Boy, how many awesome things happen in the world! For example, the teacher told us about this country Africa. Many years ago, in its capital, Egypt, we, Americans, built triangular skyscrapers but now there live the evil Russian mummies. Just why these Russians interfere with everything we do?

In the evening I went to a party at my friend Leslie’s house. Everyone thinks that the party was cool. There were about 40 of us. My friend Jimmy stole two bottles of beer from his father. That was clearly too much because we barfed Leslie’s pool into a stinky pot liqueur pond. Sam thinks that was because we blew couple of sticks made from what Leslie had near his swimming pool. Me, I barfed into the pool for the shear fun. Anyways, one brick for all of us is just a normal daily dose to keep the lungs trained and head clear. Hey, even my grandmother has more for breakfast every day.

04/07/2007

Today is a holiday. I wanted to sleep a bit longer, but my Dad made me play baseball on the front lawn. Actually, it was really cool – we were throwing the ball to each other from three meters for three hours in a row! Remarkable sport and very intellectual!

After lunch my Dad made us watch the President Bush’s TV address. We had a good time: we ate pop-corn and listened to the President. He was explaining why it was important for the US to bomb every undemocratic country – because when there is no democracy, people only listen to what is coming from  above and so the bombing was an ingenious way to explain to the primitive peoples what the US democratic ideals were about. I never could understand why those idiots protested when we bombed them. Because without our bombing they would never know the taste of coca-cola and hamburgers and thus they wouldn’t be able to build a true democracy. God save USA – the country which is always ready to help everyone who does not want to be helped. After watching Bush’s address, we sang “God Bless America” and wept from the full realization of our greatness and great responsibility for the mission given to every American by the God.

Today our teacher gave us exciting lesson about this remarkable discipline – Geography. He told us about a far-away undemocratic country which was called Russia. I new a lot about this savage country even without his lesson. For example, everyone knows that Russians are a cross-breed between a bear and a human, they eat birch and drink pure alcohol, live in deep burrows in taiga (which is a Russian jungle), and during their celebrations they put Kremlin on fire and dance around it. But now, after the lesson, I know about Russia much more then its inhabitants. For example, I know that in this country there are immense deposits of American oil and gas. When we need them – we will come to claim our property. There are deposits of vodka in Russia and black and red caviar  and mushrooms are mined in open pits. All this treasure is used by Russians in a truly barbarian style: they drink and eat it, thus robbing us – the future generations of Americans. Russia is a true Empire of Evil!

After the school I went to my psychoanalyst. I visit him twice a week. He gives me advice how to enjoy life. Today he taught me how to flash the toilet after use. All my life I was wondering why our toilet stinks so much.In the night before going to bed, I played Tetris. Cool action! I was cut on the third level, though. After that I searched porno-sites on the web – http://www.whitehouse.gov/ and http://www.defense.gov/. Their banging is not for kids! I put a photo of Monica Lewinsky on my table and, satisfied with my day and my right hand, I went to sleep. When I grow up I want to become a President of USA and ride in White House lifts all day! Or, maybe ,  join The Australian Defense Force Academy.
04/24/2007On math lesson today we were learning how to count to ten. Math is very hard. Now I understand why they start teaching it only in a college. I managed to count to seven from the first try. My teacher said it was very good.During the lunch break Bob showed me a hand gun he borrowed from his Dad and then we decided  to see how it works on the girls. It was real fun! The girls were screaming exactly as in Friday, 13th and tried to escape, but Bob always managed to catch up and shoot a control shot into their heads. Then police arrived and took Bob with them ending all the fun… Immediately after that we were allowed to go home.05/08/2007

Today we had an unusual history lesson. The teacher told us that exactly 28 years ago, the US troops captured Berlin and defeated Germany. Apparently, in 1958, bloody dictator Saddam Hussein, who was ruling Germany at that time, attacked London and bombed its capital Warsaw. Germans on tanks and bicycles captured Paris, Brussels, Kiev and Birobidjan. After Birobijan had fallen, the USA lost their patience and joined the war. In the beginning, the Germans were bombed in Afghanistan, then in Syria, then in Disneyland. The Germans were forced to retreat. Then American army surrounded Germany and using precision spot-target bombs, reduced to a rubble all of the Berlin and then put our proud stars-and-stripes flag on the top of Eiffel tower. Saddam Hussein was captured in Berlin’s suburbs, where he was hiding in the basement of a whorehouse. The bloody dictator was court-marshaled and then sent to serve his prison term first to Saint Helen Island and then to Guantanamo Bay. There he wrote numerous requests to CIA, asking to be publicly hanged. Eventually, all his wishes were generously granted, including the one where he asked to destroy all the evidence about the interrogation techniques used on him and his fellow prisoners. After the US victory, all the nations of the world applauded to the brave soldiers of the US and in their excitement , people were throwing to the US soldiers their most valuable possetions – during the war, of course, it was their food – mostly tomatoes and eggs. This was how the WWII came to an end and how the bloody dictators of the whole world came to understand that nobody can survive the coming of American democracy ….

Невниг пендосскава потсана

(* “pendosy” – Americans *)

3 апреля 2005 года
Меня зовут Майкл Даун. Я живу в США. Это такая страна, вокруг которой вращаются земля и солнце. Я недавно даже писал реферат на эту тему, и учитель поставил мне высший балл.Сегодня я встал рано. С утра сразу же взвесился. Ура! Я похудел еще на 200 граммов. И теперь мой вес составляет всего 145 кг. А ведь месяц назад было 146! Но папа сказал, что если я не похудею, то со мной девочки встречаться не будут. А вообще-то я предпочитаю мальчиков, ведь с девочками встречаться – это так старомодно. Потом я позавтракал. Завтрак у меня получился диетическим – овсяные хлопья с обезжиренным молоком и два обжаренных тоста с джемом. В качестве легкого десерта я съел 4 двойных гамбургера.
За завтраком было весело. Мы с отцом соревновались, кто громче пукнет. Громче получилось у меня. Отец теперь должен мне 5 баксов. Если к вечеру не отдаст – засужу.
Моя школа находится далеко от дома – в 500 метрах. Хорошо, что у меня есть машина. Поэтому добрался всего за час, в пробках сегодня пришлось стоять совсем недолго. Уроки были скучными. Например, на истории учитель нес какую-то чушь о том, что Америку открыл Колумб. Как таких в учителя берут!? Ведь элементарная логика говорит о том, что Америку открыли мы, американцы. Потому-то она и называется Америка.
Интереснее было на географии. Как много интересного в мире происходит! Например, учитель рассказал, что есть такая страна как Африка. В ее столице – Египте – находятся треугольные небоскребы, в которых обитают злые русские мумии. И почему эти русские нам нигде покоя не дают?..
Вечером я пошел на вечеринку к Лесли. Нас было человек 40. Мой друг Джим стащил у отца 2 бутылки пива. Мы так все перепились, что заблевали бассейн.

7 апреля.

Сегодня выходной. Хотелось подольше поспать, но отец заставил меня играть в бейсбол на лужайке перед домом. Сначала было скучно, но потом я втянулся. Ведь это так увлекательно – три часа подряд бросать друг другу мячик с расстояния в 3 метра. Замечательный вид спорта и очень интеллектуальный!
После обеда отец заставил меня смотреть по ТВ обращение президента Буша. Мы классно провели время: ели поп-корн и слушали президента. Он говорил о том, как важно для Америки всех бомбить, потому что иначе все эти примитивные народы не понимают, какое счастье несет им наша страна. Мне всегда было непонятно, почему эти дураки возмущаются, когда мы их бомбим. Ведь без этого они никогда не узнают вкус кока-колы и гамбургера, а, значит, не построят демократии. Боже, храни Америку – страну, готовую осчастливить любого. А если кто-то не хочет быть счастливым – мы его всегда можем заставить. После просмотра обращения Буша мы всей семьей долго пели американский гимн и плакали от осознания своего величия и понимания божественной миссии, которая нам доверена Господом.
За ужином мы с отцом опять устроили соревнования на самый громкий пук. Победила наша собака. Она это сделала так громко, что испуганные соседи с криками “Русские идут!” спрятались в подвале. Выманивать их пришлось до самой ночи. Пока я наконец не сообразил им сказать, что завтра в ближайшем супермаркете будет распродажа, и они смогут купить электрические поповытиралки на 10 центов дешевле обычной цены. Сразу же выскочили…
Все, я решил – обязательно стану географом. Хочу так же, как и они, изучать эту прекрасную науку – геометрию. Сегодня наш учитель провел замечательное занятие! Он рассказывал о далекой стране под названием Россия. Я и раньше много знал об этом диком государстве. Например, всем хорошо известно, что русские – это помесь медведя с человеком, которые питаются спиртом и березами, живут в тайге в глубоких норах, а по праздникам поджигают Кремль и водят вокруг него хороводы.
После рассказа учителя я знаю о России, наверное, больше самих ее жителей. Например, в этой стране находятся американские резервы нефти и газа. Когда они нам понадобятся, мы за ними приедем. Кроме того, в России есть месторождения черной и красной икры, а также залежи водки и блинов. Эти богатства русские тратят по варварски: съедают и выпивают, обделяя будущие поколения американцев. Настоящая империя зла!
После школы я пошел к психоаналитику. Я посещаю его дважды в неделю. Он мне дает советы и учит, как жить. Сегодня он научил меня смывать за собой в уборной. А я-то думал, почему у нас в туалете всегда так воняет. Надо рассказать своим – семья еще не знает…
Вечером играл в тетрис. Убойный экшн! На третьем уровне меня срезали… Потом полазил по
порносайтам www. pentagon.com и www. whitehouse.org. Вставляет не по-детски+
Удовлетворенный проведенным днем и своей правой рукой, лег спать…

24 апреля.

Сегодня на математике учились считать до десяти. Тяжелая эта наука. Теперь понятно, почему ее у нас начинают изучать только в старших классах. Я дошел до 7. Учитель меня похвалил. Я его тоже.
Потом была физкультура. Пока мои приятели подглядывали в душе за девчонками, я
подглядывал за физруком. Так увлекся, что не заметил, как все уже помылись и стали
подглядывать за мной.
На большой перемене Боб принес отцовский пистолет и начал стрелять по девчонкам. Вот была потеха! Девчонки визжали, пытались убегать, но Боб их догонял и добивал контрольным выстрелом в голову. Потом приехала полиция, и Боба почему-то забрали. А ведь он просто развлекался+ Нас сразу же отпустили по домам.

8 мая.

Сегодня был необычный урок истории. Учитель рассказал нам, как ровно 28 лет назад
американские войска взяли Берлин и победили Германию. Оказывается, в 1958-м году
кровавый диктатор Садам Хусейн, который в то время руководил Германией, напал на Лондон и бомбил его столицу Варшаву. Немцы на танках и велосипедах захватили Париж, Брюссель, Киев и Биробиджан. После захвата Биробиджана у Соединенных Штатов кончилось терпение, и они вступили в войну. Сначала немцев бомбили в Афганистане, затем в Сирии, затем в Диснейленде. Немцы стали отступать. Потом американские войска окружили Германию и точечными ударами разрушили весь Берлин, водрузив звездно-полосатый флаг над Эйфелевой башней. Саддама Хусейна выловили в берлинском пригороде, где он прятался в подвале супермаркета. Кровавого диктатора судили и отправили на каторгу на остров Святой Елены. А
все народы мира в едином порыве аплодировали храбрым солдатам армии США и бросали в них цветы, фрукты и овощи. Вот так и закончилась вторая мировая война ,после которой всем кровавым диктаторам стало ясно: от демократии еще никто живым не убегал…

11 мая.

Сегодня после школы нас водили на экскурсию в картинную галерею. Нашли чем удивить: мазня какая-то, бабы голые. Я в Интернете и лучше видел. Джим прикололся и прилепил жвачку к какой-то картинке на стене. А Лесли отломал палец у скульптуры.
Когда наш автобус уже отъезжал, в галерее началась паника. Какая-то старая баба бегала и кричала: “Она же стоит полтора миллиона долларов!”. Мы с Джимом и Лесли подмигнули друг другу, ведь это был наш вклад в мировую культуру. Мы поступили как настоящие американцы.
Вечером с отцом ходили на хоккей. Начался первый период, и мне прямо в лоб прилетела шайба. Очнулся в больнице. Доктора удивленно качали головой: ну надо же, даже сотрясения мозга нет.

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